Broadway
Goo Goo Dolls

Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man’s bar
Waiting for his turn to die

The cowboy kills the rock star
And Friday night’s gone too far
The dim light hides the years
On all the faded girls
Forgotten but not gone
You drink it off your mind
You talk about the world
Like it’s someplace that you’ve been
You see you’d love to run home
But you know you ain’t got one
Cause you’re living in a world
That you’re best forgotten round here

Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to beB
roadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man’s bar
Waiting for his turn to die
You choke down all your anger
Forget your only son
You pray to statues when you sober up for fun
Your anger don’t impress me
The world slapped in your face
It always rains like hell on the losers’ day
parade

You see you’d love to run home
But you know you ain’t got one
Cause you’re living in a world that you’re
best forgotten
When you think youre a joke
And nobody’s gonna listen
To the one small point
I know they’ve been missing round here

Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Braodway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man’s bar
Waiting for his turn to die

You see you’d love to run home
But you know you ain’t got one
Cause you’re living in a world
That you’re best forgotten
And when you’re thinking you’re a joke
And nobody’s gonna listen
To the one small point
I know they’ve been missing
Round here

Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man’s bar
Waiting for his turn to die

Why is it the internet is a void for useful information. i try to find stuff on Azrael. Just for amusement, and a trip towards the occult, for research into a poem. Had an idea to write on... but no... I find a temple dedicated to dead pets, people who are convinced he is the Son of God, and not a single useful bit of objective literature. Morons... Why is it that cabalists aren’t easily found... Would be so much better that way, or at least more interesting.

I’m tired of school, I’m tired of work, I’m tired of many things. One of these days, I shall find my happiness, and sit and do nothing else for a week at the shortest.

Some days, I want to destroy everything, and just rest. I’m so glad I am basically already done with this week. No lab tomorrow, no school the rest of the week... Only a bit of work. I want to figure out why my head is stupid. And so I figure I’ll talk it out with someone, and see if they think I’m dumb as well. Somebody do me a favor and just shoot me, before I get worse...

With eyes closed, I can see a picture, an everlasting landscape, as far as I can see. With eyes closed, I see a panoramic starline, a giant floating highway, leading off to freedom. I sit, and watch the pain unwinding, watch as all the findings roll back in. I stay, motionless and timid, waiting for the great black something to begin.

A burn, sitting there, unhealing, always left revealing the blood inside... I wish, that I could have it ended, stop having to pretend I never have cried. With eyes closed, the stinging pain surrounding, cascading and abounding, tearing me down. My tears, locked inside me, growing, never let near to overflowing, making me drown.

And now, with eyes closed I can listen, hearing the words glisten, turn and rebound... A play, with cast polysyllabic, an ending far less tragic, relief is around.

----
Who knows if that’ll look any good to me tomorrow. For some reason, I had a cadence in my head, and so I kinda went and played with it and the rhyme schemes in there. Hopefully someone likes it. Maybe that someone will even be me. Will look tomorrow. Less invested then...

One of these days, I should remember to unload my creativity, because I’ve been latent again, and I just need to start feeling alive again. Maybe the mercurial nature of my mood goes with it, but that’s a worthwhile sacrifice for art. i haven’t really written anything in so long, and I just feel the need to get words onto paper, to make them into somethnig they haven’t beenbefore. Honestly, even doing this is a small for of that. But I want to do it in a way thati catch a small portion of what I’m feeling, the pain between my shoulders, the fuzz in my head, and get that out of me. Hopefully, I find the time and the motivation and the inspiration to do so...

This is the problem with LJ, we all think we are so close, and we know nothing about each other. I’m going to rectify it. I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don’t know about you.

Well, Dragon’s head is full of fluff... But that’s ok. I want so many things, and for some reason, most of them are beyond me. I hate money... Anyways...

There is an amusing Car at school, with the license plate of ’00 Spy’. I don’t know if that is OO! Spy! or Double 0 Spy. But OOH! is a better interpretation. So it stands... It parks in about the same spot every day. It also has a license plate frame reading "I’m not spoiled... All the kids smell this way." It IS a Mustang. I’m still amused.

Other than that, more useless longings... If I can make it until April without screwing up horribly, I may be getting some money from home. Would be great...

Monkies are good. Monkeys in office are bad. Monkies in blender are tasty? Thought processes are surreal? Monkeys are surreal? Monkeys simply are. ::nods solemnly::

Horribly amused. Successfully got food at half off. Again. For no particularly good reason. YAY. Anyways, I think I may very well pass out sometime in the near future... I need down time, and I’m working to much, and have school every day. It makes me horribly sad. I have two weekly games, and one I try to fit in when I can, and I won’t be able to do any of them this week, unless the random one plays really late. I miss my leisure time. Girlfriends eat a lot of that. And I’m not sure I like it... But we’ll see. All the monkeys are out in force. ::passes out::

http://www.strangehorizons.com/2004/20040405/badger.shtml

Ohhhhhh Yeah. Badgers of DOOM!

My computer is broked. The screen cracked. It’s prolly not covered under warranty. I’m fucked...

Well, I live. Marginally. i’ll try again to update more often. But That will be sometime when I’m more coherent. I All-nighters are strange and scary to behold...

" To be or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die:to sleep;
No more; and; by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die: to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause."

So, I may or may not exist. We shall see. Samewhining, different time. I’ve updated, mostly cause risque_eyes pointed out it’s been a while since i have. And some random 14 year old found my journal. And so I’m posting. And we shall see whether that persists...

Another round of circle time
another day of feeling fine
another lonely mouth to feed
another time to sit and grieve
another time to sit and dwell
in this, my mind, my private hell

I burn life brightly, find a way
to live, to laugh by light of day
but every moment passing me
just leaves me feeling sad and lonely
I need a place, a thing called home
to keep me safe. (I hate this poem)

I wish someone could save me tonight. I don’t want to be stuck in this house more...

I want my computer back. Best Buy still hasn’t gotten the power cord to me yet. I’m saddened... I have a job. I work at a yogurt store. It’s relaxed, and with tips, pays enough, I think. I don’t know why i don’t update any more. Bleh... I should make a habit of it more regularly again. Anyways, that was my update. more later...

I will be back in SLO later this evening. Like, as of 7 PM. It will be wonderful, truly. I’m looking forward to it. Now if only i remember to update...

Well, here is the Daily update. It’s been long in coming. But that’s to be expected with me...

I was in San Diego. I will be again. But I’m going to SLO shortly. I’ve been fighting with the apathy... and the desire to not have to be at home any more may have me motivated... I hope...

So I’m not terribly happy with my financial state, but it’ll prolly get better...

I may or may not be happy with my social life. It’s still up in the air.

I’m tired, and I want to go to bed...

One of these days, I’m simply going to cease to exist, and nobody will know the difference.

I went hiking with Nate and RP today. Was fun.

I’ve been thinking. And it’s impossible to talk to and meet strangers. Why should they talk to the guy with the intense eyes who doesn’t always smile all the time cause he’s too nervous? I wouldn’t talk to me... And my friends don’t have anyone they could have me meet... and so I’m jut stuck. And lonely. Like always...

I need something to change, somewhere...

10 favorite songs (in no particular order)
1. Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
2. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
3. Voodoo - Godsmack
4. Pity the Child - Chess, the Musical
5. Giants in the Sky - Into The Woods
6. I Am The Walrus- The Beatles
7. Heaven Beside You - Alice in Chains
8. Ebony and Ivory - Barenaked Ladies
9. People are Strange - The Doors
10. Spider Webs - Joan Osbourne

9 favorite things:
1. Laptop
2. Friends
3. Painting
4. Collecting
5. Music
6. IM
7. Poetry
8. Fire
9. Gaming

8 least favorite things:
1. Heavy Perfume
2. Stupid People
3. Intolerance
4. Migraines
5. Beer
6. Loneliness
7. Wasting my time
8. Pain

7 things you can’t do:
1. Through art together hastily
2. Revise my poetry
3. Generate money without effort...
4. See in the dark
5. Use physical force as a problem solving device...
6. Meditate
7. convince my friends I DON’T win at every game...

6 things you’ve never done before:
1. Shot someone
2. Been thrown through a plate glass window
3. Understood Punch Drunk Love
4. gone skinnydipping
5. Levitated
6. Gotten more than buzzed (nor will I)

5 bands you adore:
1. White Stripes
2. The Police
3. The Beatles
4. Alice in Chains
5. Barenaked ladies

4 things you don’t have but wish you did:
1. A job
2. A girlfriend
3. Entertainment
4. Money

3 things you can’t live without:
1. Air
2. Human interaction
3. Food

2 of your favorite imperfections:
1. My pinky finger where i shredded it
2. Chipped tooth from 8th grade...

the only thing you would die for:
1. ::shrug::

[ Current Clothes ]: sweatpants (green)
[ Current Mood ]: lethargic
[ Current Music ]: Weird Al - Can’t Watch This
[ Current Taste ]: saliva
[ Current Make-up ]: none
[ Current Hair ]: Bed-head
[ Current Annoyance ]: Lack of Job
[ Current Smell ]: Vanilla
[ Current Favorite Artist ]: ::shrug::
[ Current Desktop Picture ]: Incompetence (www.despair.com)
[ Current Favorite Group ]: ::shrug::
[ Current Book you’re reading ]: Cyrano DeBergerac - Edmund Rostrand
[ Current CD in CD Player]: Labyrinth Soundtrack
[Current DVD in player]: Pirates of the Carribean
[ Current Color Of Toenails ]: Toenail colored
[ Current Refreshment ]: None

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ]: I don’t know... do do that often...
[You Talked to ]: Mike, my roommate
[ You Kissed ]: Kelli ::scowls::

FAVORITE...
[ Food ]: Chinese
[ Drink ]: Ginger Ale
[ Color ]: Green
[ Album ]: no idea
[ Shoes ]: Hiking Boots
[ Candy ]: Altoids Apple Sours
[ Animal ]: Penguin
[ TV Show ]: ???
[ Movie ]: Boondock Saints
[ Dance ]: Swing (now if only i could do it)
[ Song ]: at the moment, Seven Nation Army by White Stripes
[ Vegetable ]: Carrots
[ Fruit ]: Most any...
[ Cartoon ]: Pinky and the Brain

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ]: yes
[ Open-minded ]: yes
[ Arrogant ]: yes
[ Insecure ]: yes
[ Interesting ]: Who knows...
[ Random ]: usually
[ Hungry ]: no
[ Friendly ]: i try
[ Smart ]: i thought so...
[ Moody ]: yes
[ Childish ]: sometimes
[ Independent ]: yes
[ Hard working ] if I?m motivated
[ Organized ]: chaos theory says maybe...
[ Healthy ]: no
[ Emotionally Stable ]: Usually
[ Shy ]: onlywit girls i like...
[ Difficult ]: definitely
[ Attractive ]: ::tries not to bust up laughing::
[ Bored Easily ]: yes
[ Messy ]: More than a little...
[ Thirsty ]: yes
[ Responsible ]: sometimes
[ Obsessed ]: No
[ Angry ]: No
[ Sad ]: Often
[ Happy ]: On occasion
[ Hyper ]: Not now, but I?ve been known to be?
[ Trusting ]: Yes
[ Talkative ]: Usually

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ]: Stupid People
[ Slap ]: Clueless people
[ Get Really Wasted With ]: ::blank stare:: ummm... no
[ Get High With ]: even worse...
[ Look Like ]: Collin Farrel
[ Talk To Offline ]: Anyone...
[ Talk To Online ]: Anyone...

[ My Name Is ]: Dragon (sorry, not saying it on here)
[ In The Morning I Am ]: Lethargic
[ All I Need Is ]: Something to live for...
[ Love Is ]: a goal...
[ I’m Afraid of ]: failure
[ I Dream About ]: Nothing... head turns off at night...

-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .
[ Pictured your crush naked? ]: No
[ Actually seen ur crush naked ]: No
[ Been in love ]: Yes
[ Cried when someone died ]: Yes
[ Lied ]: Yes

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[ Coke or Pepsi ]: Pepsi
[ Flowers or candy]: Candy
[ Tall or short ]: Tall

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do u notice first?]: Eyes
[last person u slow danced with]: Long time ago... prolly someone from USY...
[worst question to ask]: Will you go out with me? Apparently,straightforward isn’t right...

-W H O-
[makes u laugh the most?]: Hard choice... Maybe Nate
[makes you smile]: Too many to answer just one...
[gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: ::shrug::
[who do you have a crush on?]: ::shrugs:: who knows
[has a crush on u?]: I’ll give you 5 to 1 saying nobody...
[easiest to talk to]: RP

-D O. Y O U .E V E R-
[sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: Yes
[save aol/aim conversations]: Yeah
[wish u were a member of the opposite sex]: No...
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: Yes

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: Yes
[been rejected]: Like you need to ask...
[rejected someone]: Yes
[used someone]: Yes
[been cheated on]: No
[done something you regret]: I’m going to say no, but only cause I don’t let myself regret things...

-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: My Mother ::grumble::
[hugged]: prolly Mary...
[you instant messaged]: Laura
[you laughed with]: RP


-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[smoke cigarettes]: No
[obsessive]: About some things
[could u live without the computer?]: Yes, but I’d be sad....
[color ur hair]: No
[ever get off the damn computer]: Yes
[habla Espanola]: Un poco
[how many peeps are on ur buddy list?]: 98
[drink alchohol?]: Yes
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: Yes
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional

Maybe, if something can go right, I can get out of this funk...

Well,was talking to BinaryLogic earlier, and he got me into a pensive mood, and so I’m still up, and posting. We hada brief talk about the world not rewarding people adequately for good behavior. And that is a major part of my depression. See, I think I’m a good person. Mostly because I don’t act on all the bad things. So shouldn’t I come out ok at least most of the time? I’ve just been in a downward spiral for the past month. I got dumped, I got laid off, and I’ve just sunk under it. And I needto fix that.

But really, there are just three things I’d like right now. A job that I can live with. A girl to cuddle with. And something amusing to do wile not spending time on the other 2. And i’m feeling lacking... and stagnant.

So, that’s mostly where I’ve been. I do still exist. Just trying to find direction again. And, janusdoa, we need to hang out sometime. I tried callingyou earlier...

Going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her The stupid bitch supervisor wench is going to die horribly. She keeps bitching about inane shit, chastizing me for shit that doesn’t matter, and chatting with the twits around me. Blood going to flow...
going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her And while I’m at it I might as well include the stupid bitch who invited me to a party, and then blocked me from ever communicating with her again. Her blood won’t flow... nope, just congeal...going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her going to kill her